Quotes from Christopher Moore

Joseph had regained his composure by now. Evidently, once you accept that your wife slept with God, extraordinary events seem sort of commonplace.

For it is written that 'if the wise man always appears stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise.

Weetabix - a British cereal biscuit whose taste and texture are generally thought to be improved by the addition of monkey come.

Look, you mad tart, I have a covenant with God, which is: I don't mention that he has stocked the world full of villains, walleys, and madwomen, and in return he keeps his bloody hands off my willy.

So I thought, hey, the phone is all the way inside the saloon, on the wall behind the bar—the bar—where a giant, deadly snake could be napping, and then I thought, perhaps a pay phone. Perhaps

Sie erkennt hinter deinem attraktiven Äußeren die düstere, verkrüppelte, gebrochene Bestie, die die Jahre aus dir gemacht haben – das triebhafte, kleine Tier, das du im Grunde deines Herzens bist. Wenn sie dich nimmt, nicht obwohl, sondern weil du ein freches Äffchen bist – das ist Liebe?

You know why those guys with the bagpipes have daggers on their belts, right? So they can stab themselves in the fucking legs to take their minds off the music.

That won't work, isn't Special Forces where everyone gets a hug?" Charlie called. "That's the Special Olympics," Rivera said

Ach, leck mich doch. Ihr Mohammedaner mit eurem Widerwillen gegen den Trunk. Da wird der größte Teil der westlichen Scheißwelt in Allahs Namen abgeschlachtet, aber wenn mal jemand auf euer Wohl anstoßen möchte, ist die Rede plötzlich nur noch von Frommsein und Beten und kein Schweinefleisch und hängen wir unsere Frauen mit Gardinen zu.

You've got the look, but you can't walk the walk or talk the talk. Tucker, you are a hopeless geek trapped in a cool guy's body, but out of the goodness of my heart, I will take you on as my student.

He and two of the older monks who had been soldiers devised for Joshua a regimen of weaponless fighting that involved no offense or striking at all, but instead channeled the energy of an attacker away from oneself. Since the new art was practiced only by Joshua (and sometimes myself), the monks called it Jew-dô, meaning the way of the Jew.

the other three trumpeters having recently succumbed to herpes.

The receptionist was a petite Asian woman of forty who spoke English so precisely that Tuck knew it had to be her second language.

There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality—there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin. So

Resultó que a los cancerberos se les podía adiestrar, particularmente si solo se les decían cosas que iban a hacer de todos modos. («Come, Alvin. Buen chico. Ahora, haz caca. Excelente»).

Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him...." ? Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

Only by being prepared for your death can you ever truly live. If

He looked like he'd shown up at the sacrificial mass of the damned ready to fix the dishwasher.

God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh. VOLTAIRE

Nicht, dass ich es dir verdenken könnte. Ich bin ausgesprochen koitabel – im Grunde das große Los. Eine Weile war ich sogar König.« »Wenn Worte Reichtum wären«, seufzte der Mohr. »Du wärst ein König unter Königen, aber im Moment bist du nur klein, nass und laut.«

And then again, maybe he could just climb a stream of angel piss to heaven.

the landings below the bridge were perfect alcoves for conspiracy.

Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore and even a great stumbling dolt like yourself shall sail on the slippery seas of passion.

Edle Herren, seid so freundlich und verpisst Euch.