Quotes from Bill Maher

say that evil happens when good men do nothing. And the Democrats prove it also happens when mediocre people do nothing.

If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than No, you tweeted your penis.

New Rule: Stop talking about the gas prices under Obama. As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should poke their heads in the men's room.

New Rule: For at least the next generation, the Crocodile Hunter clan has to leave nature alone. This week, the late Steve Irwin's youngest son was bitten by a boa constrictor. Authorities don't know exactly what went wrong, but they think the accident might have happened when a bunch of idiots let a four-year-old fuck around with a giant snake.

He sold Syria way better than he sold this.

You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion? We call for federally-funded, partial-birth abortions at the drive-through at McDonald's.

Fake it. We know you can do that. We've seen your sex tape.

New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating.

New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House--until you consider the end zone is between Clinton's semen stain and where Bush OD'd on a pretzel.

Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the forty-nine loser countries where they live longer than us...they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you're not coughing up blood, little Bobby, you're coughing up freedom!

New Rule: 12 years after 9/11 and admits yet another debate whether to bomb yet another Muslim country. America must stop asking the question: Why do they hate us?

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable and elevate it are intellectual slaveholders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction. Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.

Since 1945, when Jesus granted America air superiority, we have bombed Korea, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Lebanon, Granada, Panama, Iraq, Serbia, Somalia, Bosnia, The Sudan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Libya and Yemen. And Yemen only because the tenth one was free. How did we inherit this moral obligation of bringing justice to the world via death from above? Are we Zeus? It doesn't make any sense. Our schools are crumbling and we wanna teach everyone else a lesson.

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do

If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest. To do otherwise is to be an enabler, a mafia wife, for the true devils of extremism that draw their legitimacy from the billions of their fellow travelers.

If you believe that the world is going to come to an end — and perhaps any day now — does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on Earth while we're here?

When I hear from people that religion doesn't hurt anything, I say, really? Well besides wars, the Crusades, the Inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic cleansing, the suppression of women, the suppression of homosexuals, fatwas, honor killings, suicide bombings, arranged marriages to minors, human sacrifice, burning witches, and systematic sex with children, I have a few little quibbles. And I forgot blowing up girl schools in Afghanistan

Stupidity is not another way of knowing things.

Happiness isn't only about what you have It's also about What you don't have to worry about Bill Maher Real Time with Bill Maher March 29, 2019

I don't like the word atheist because to me it mirrors the certainty of religion. I preach the gospel of I don't know.

Mohamed Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

How in the world could there be any science in scripture. There cannot be because the two historical periods are separated by so much. (Modern science began in 2000 AD and the scriptures were written BC, well before that). The scriptures are NOT teaching science. It's very hard for me to accept not just a literal interpretation of scripture but a fundamentalist approach to religious belief. It's kind of a play, It presents itself as science.

The irony of religion is that because of its power to divert man, to distruct courses the world actually could come to an end.

If you believe that the world is coming to an end, perhaps any day now, does it not drain ones motivation to improve life on earth while we're here?