Quotes from Bill Maher

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It's nothing to be admired.

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about...Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings, who don't have all the answers, to think that they do.

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss.

Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

Theyre talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place thats used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna cant even smoke in bed.

Janet Jackson's 'wardrobe malfunction' cost CBS Five hundred and Fifty grand this week. Boy, what a tough week for the network. First, the false documents on President Bush's National Guard record and now this. CBS says they have learned their lesson: no more trying to expose boobs.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Today is 'Take our Daughters to Work Day.' This is when girls ages Nine to Fifteen go to work. Or, as it's called at the Nike factory - Thursday.

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, theyve seen me laugh, and theyve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, You can't fire me - I quit

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

If you were on a sinking ship and yelled, Women and children first! how much feminist opposition do you think you'd get? . . . Women want to fight men for equal pay, but how often do they fight a man for the check? . . . And any man who questions a woman's physical capabilities gets branded a sexist -- but who do they call when there's a spider to be killed? Convenient feminism -- crackpot theory or dangerous lunacy?

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.