Quotes from Bill Maher

I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.

Married men live longer. Yes. And an indoor cat also lives longer. It's a furball with a broken spirit, that can only look out on a world it can never enjoy. But it does technically live longer.

New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It's not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That's just a common fantasy of Republican men.

New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, 'black man loots house, steals white woman.'

New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.

I doubt anything will really come of this lawsuit. First of all, it's a lawsuit. It involves a subpoena. And try to find a Republican who will be willing to be seen serving a black man.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.

I ... would guess maybe about one or two out of five men is suited for marriage and probably four out of five women are better at marriage than being single and would like to be married.

You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'

Death is nature's way of killing you.

It was quite a sight to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace Prize winner in his.

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

You can behead people, you can crucify them, you can cut their hearts out and eat them on YouTube...but, don't screw with the place where God hid America's oil.

In America, you're allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God's big book of bad ideas.

Why can't God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil? It's the same reason the comic book character can't get rid of his nemesis; then there's no story.

If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.