Quotes from Bill Maher

Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.

New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids.

New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, In God We Trust.

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we're Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there's no stopping us until we're licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we're really not capable of: restraint and math.

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

Not doing anything is doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin.

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

I do admit there are things in the universe I don't understand. But my response to that is not to make up silly stories...or to believe intellectually embarrassing myths from the Bronze Age, but you believe whatever you want.

I'm always amazed at the human capacity to not make fundamental changes, but instead merely adapt. I see these pictures of people in Beijing and New Delhi, walking around with masks on, because you can't walk outside your house and breathe? If you can't breathe?…If that's not the cue to make a fundamental change, I don't know what is!

You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.

Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican.

If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child.

Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.

The Power of One is a slogan--not a goal.

New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.

New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie.

My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a bank .

New Rule: Stop lying to me about your pancake mix. The back of the box says 1 1/2 cups makes ten to twelve pancakes. Really? 'Cause I get four. Who's your cook, Jesus?

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it proactive intelligence screening or high alert detecting, people would be saying Well, it's about time.

New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife. Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby.

New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect man. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent and a gay best friend...the only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Häagen-Dazs.

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.