Quotes from Bill Maher

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position

Don't you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt?

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

Since the topic is science, the non scientists don't get a vote. We shouldn't decide everything by polling the masses. This is the fallacy called Argumentum Ad Numerum, the idea that something is true because great number believe it, as in EAT SHIT, twenty trillions flies can't be wrong!

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

In today's Republican Party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: 'Christian.'

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

The public is gullible. ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and it becomes a truth.

Tea-baggers love the truth. They just hate facts.

All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if Politically Incorrect has to go down for it, so be it!

Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.

If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram—to see what will happen if she has an abortion—you also have to let her see a crying baby, a bratty five-year-old, and a surly teenager to see what will happen if she doesn't. And you have to tell her it costs $204,000 to raise it until it turns eighteen, in 2028, where it will be a slave to the Chinese, in a radioactive world with no animals, fish, or plants.

you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!

New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship.