Quotes from Bill Maher

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

Let's face it God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'

[F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics," as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.

During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them." ( The Decider , July 21, 2007)

F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics," as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I'd join the Tea Party.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists.