Quotes from Bill Maher

Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled 12-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.

Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.

There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.

Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states on Tuesday. Got a huge amount of fundraising. That's the good news for Rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling 'Santorum.'

Based on every statement I've heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.

This is a powerful message from our government: we will not be intimidated by bombs; we will not be intimidated by poison; this is America, if you're a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun!

Hillary Clinton and Nancy Reagan have a lot in common - they're both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand.

All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald's and not eat the fries on the way home.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

False hope really makes you cynical.

If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The plain fact is: religion must die for mankind to live.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.