Quotes from Bill Maher

If a President must constantly remind the people that we're at war, then we're not.

Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.

I always compare marriage to communism. They're both institutions that don't conform to human nature, so you're going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you'll wind up with a lover.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!

There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.'

Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it."

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Gordon Gekko was right: greed is good. Because, the potty-trained Republicans have now stepped forward – like the Koch brothers – to say, "You know what? You yokels stop talking about defaulting on the debt, because I'm going to lose a fortune!"

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?

North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.

I never hear terrorists say 'Merry Christmas,' only 'Allahu Akbar'.

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.

I'm for the death penalty, I'm pro-abortion, I'm pro-assisted suicide, I'm pro-regular suicide. Anything that'll get the traffic moving.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.