Quotes from Tim Dorsey

It's only socialism if the money goes down, not up.

Relieve stress through hysterical screaming.

Hang on to your dreams with everything you got. Because the best life is when your dreams come true. The second-best is when they don't but you never stop chasing them.

Nature's what it's all about, but our people have been brainwashed into thinking that life is a cell phone against your head and the TV on a beer commercial with hot chicks.

My problem is with the warped value system our culture has. Why is it that if you knife a woman in a movie it's PG, but if you swear at her it's rated R and if you make love to her it's rated X?

There, I'm an artist. Thousands of women on ecstasy now want to have three-ways with me.

He loved his family and fellow man, never raised his voice or fists, and was rewarded with a lifelong, routine digestion of small doses of humiliation.

Something else that separates me from society: Super-Positive Perspective! Where normal people would whine about subpar accommodations, I choose to view it as upscale camping.

as any roulette player can tell you, past performance has no bearing on future random outcome. So

I'm a one-hundred-percent, made-in-Florida, dope-smugglin', time-sharin', spring-breakin', log-flumin', double-occupancy discount vacation. I'm a tall glass of orange juice and a day without sunshine. I'm the wind in your sails, the sun on your burn and the moon over Miami. I am the native.

You open a door and find a midget, and there's no way you can be in a bad mood. It's just not possible.

And they ask what's a convenient time to call back, so I say, 'I don't know. The police are still looking for him. Somehow he got the home address of a telemarketer and they found a bloody clawhammer. Where do you live?

Yes, give us books about the psychotic behavior and peripheral weirdness we see all around every day -- and we will laugh in its face. We are a proud people. We are Floridians.

Ethnic jokes are the last refuge of a bankrupt intellect.

Life was invented for kids. But then we all grow up, and society imposes filters that block the joy of silliness and sponging up pointless little things that make childhood the magic time for which it is widely known.

Todd was everything Tallahassee was looking for: young, handsome, ambitious and completely full of shit.

She knew my buttons and kept pressing them like an epileptic in an arcade. If it's any consolation, I gave her fair warning." "Oh, my God!

Those are the Big Three: clipboards, orange cones, elf suits. People don't question

The whole key to social climbing is not having spinach in your teeth.

Speaking of names, a word to parents: Stop using alternate spellings for your kids. Aimee, Eryn, Bil, Derik. You're only costing jobs. The whole customized-coffee-mug and key-chain industry. An entire generation is being robbed of their roadside-Florida-souvenir heritage. "Daddy, why don't they ever have my name? I see something close, but it's spelled different." "Sorry, honey, we decided to be pricks.

Almighty Father, please stop making jerks. Amen...Break!

Don't you understand? The answer is inside each of you! Don't follow anyone else! Be your own leader! Lead yourselves!

Yes Serge has killed a lot of people , but let's not overlook all of his other accomplishments.

With women, you don't get to pick the meaning of what you mean. They do. All men understand this.