Quotes from Tim Dorsey

It's been nonstop hallucinations.

Mount Batten jumped up from his chair and ran yelling across the living room. He broke through the yellow crime scene tape across the front door like a finish line and kept on running.   Sharon

This was the beginning of Tampa," said Serge. "They built Fort Brooke here in 1823.

Corn dogs are like blow jobs. If you complain about one, you're the problem.

Serge bowed his own head and closed his eyes. "God, please protect us from your followers. Amen.

They headed north, their taxi joining a sea of yellow cabs weaving up the Avenue of the Americas. The Russians saw there were lanes painted in the road, but that was clearly part of an ancient custom from some long-forgotten people.

At work, he pretended every woman customer was a floozy with a hard-luck story who only needed a good slapping.

South Tampa is the polyp of land that dangles into Tampa Bay like a uvula.

We're dealing with one of the worst kinds of killer." "What kind's that?" asked the lieutenant. "Patient.

Americans tend to overanalyze. Like during the space race, NASA spent fifty thousand dollars developing a zero-gravity pen that didn't skip. Know what the Russians did? Pencil. Think about

Two preppies from the University of South Florida tried to hit on her with cocaine jokes. Sharon

Tampa's Latin quarter, Ybor City. Ybor had been the Cuban-Italian core when Tampa was "Cigar City USA.

janitor. I know what people think, but it was satisfying. Even met the president. I worked at NASA in one of the hangars, and Kennedy came around one day while I was sweeping the floor and asked how I was doing, and I said, 'Great. I'm helping put a man on the moon.' . . .

I think a lot of people get turned off on religion, just because some of the followers use love as an excuse to hate.

WITH THREE WEEKS to go in the Florida governor's race, the Tallahassee morning newspaper ran the following headline: 2 HEADS EXPLODE IN SEPARATE INCIDENTS

an aggressively encouraged obsessive-compulsive

They say suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems—

TIM DORSEY IS ONE SICK BUNNY." Belfast News Letter

company's new mission statement hung proudly atop the front wall: To enhance our community's aggregate through multi-platform metrics of media synergy catalyzing integrated outcomes of macro-disciplines toward inclusive methodology paradigms generating positive algorithms of unwavering commitment to our children, the flag and God.

You're really smart.

People laugh at turtles, but they're existentially unambiguous.

success was

That's the key to love: Never explain yourself. If a woman attacks, and your response is explanations, then strap on a helmet.

Pipe down, Chumley! I don't know what black hole of personal ambition you climbed out of, but it's now time to skee-daddle on back, you Crisco-based life-form.