Quotes from Tim Dorsey

Never entangle your life with a stranger when the only thing to gain is the last word.

But you have to suspend disbelief if you ever want to enjoy another movie or watch the president for more than fifteen seconds without running into the street demanding a new constitutional convention.

It would have been the middle of nowhere if it had been closer to other places.

What kind of lists?" "You know: best of, worst of, one hundred reasons why making lists prevents you from doing something meaningful. Let's start

The most exciting holidays are the ones where not everybody is going to make it.

All politics is marketing. And in marketing, there are but two variables: product and salesmanship.

Millions of people across our great land who want nothing more than to be left alone and pursue their own happiness of believing mean-spirited bullshit. Except society has evolved away from ignorance. And that's where we come in." "How?" "We make being shitty feel good again.

We don't simply say something that's untrue. We make statements so insane that there's no possible intelligent response. Like arguing with some old fart in a rocking chair who claims we never landed on the moon. Any educated person can only laugh. Meanwhile, we've just won over all the non-moon-landing votes.

There's a new dawn in America! It isn't enough just to disagree with your opponent anymore. True patriots hate their fucking guts!

Anger is sweeping the country! Tea bags from sea to shining sea! Voters everywhere exploding from frustration!" "Why?" "Because the facts don't support their beliefs.

Be careful," Serge admonished. "It's dumb out there.

A strip club is one of the few places where two groups voluntarily come together who have such precipitous contrasts in net worth and familiarity with violence, each group with a head-and-shoulders edge in one category. The basic math of a tropical storm.

You see, life's all about possibilities. Opportunities are everywhere, except most people are locked into rigid routines and mortgages and clipping coupons and aren't even looking. But I see possibilities in everything: tangible objects, memories, thin air. It's at once a blessing and a curse.

I'm getting a diamond-hard boner just thinking about it.

Anyplace you walked, massive lengths of Spanish moss draped from overhead branches like an endless cavern of ZZ Top beards.

An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and a mouth full of paper. One of the firefighters look at the other. "Not again.

the key to achievement in life is not letting others define your towers.

There's a point in conflict resolution when the next person who talks loses. You're ready to play with the big boys when you can recognize that moment.

That's fear talking," said Serge. "Fear's a bullshit artist.

Armageddon reigns, and survival on this planet gets down to brass tacks, the last three left standing will be cockroaches, viruses and probate attorneys. Fade to black, check please.

Courage is the ability to suspend the imagination.

If you ever get in a relationship, the key to fighting is, never respond. Don't take the bait. You'll still get shit for not answering, but it's a smaller pile. Just let them win, because they always win anyway. That's the big secret to women: They're genetically built to win. We're built to watch TV. Better to forfeit at the beginning instead of letting it fester into a three-day thing.

The number one directive of any decent Master Plan is unlimited sub–Master Plans.

Orlando. Tourism on steroids. Florida's mutant chromosome with mouse ears. One of the newer attractions is an air-conditioned dome over a sprawling, man-made replica of the state's natural landscape. They bulldozed nature to build it.