Quotes from Tim Dorsey

But how do you plan to convince everyone we're on the same side?" "Instead of being slaves to our toxic emotional times, we harness that outrage," said Serge. "So we just change the national slogan from 'Land of the Free' to 'Fuck Canada.' " Coleman nodded. "I think everyone can get behind that.

You realize that gay-bashing is the IQ demarcation line of the subzero intellect?

Jesus, where does it all lead?" asked Coleman. "The Big Unraveling." Serge chugged coffee. "It starts with attacks on our most sacred institutions, like the judiciary and Jeopardy! All these people who would score a negative ten thousand on that game show storm the stage screaming 'Fake answers!' and the screen goes black and Alex Trebek is never heard from again." "Shit's on boil," said Coleman.

Take the Tea Party. I get it. They're a playground team with staunch work ethics and sincere values, and they're sick of watching all these lazy, political clowns throw away their hard-earned tax dollars. On the other hand are the Occupiers, the other playground team who's furious that the top one percent hire a bunch of lobbyists to bribe those same clowns and tilt the chessboard.

the residents had yet to acquire an appreciation for a South American midget screaming Spanish profanities like Frankie Valli and sucker-punching a fat woman into submission between the jacarandas.

Church kids took seats around him on the ground. "What else do you have?" "Well," said Serge, putting his left shoe back on. "There's Casey Kasem's American Top Forty. You know where the oldest lyrics ever to be heard on his show came from?" Heads shook. "Book of Ecclesiastes." He stood. "Adapted for the Byrds' mega-hit 'Turn! Turn! Turn!'" "Cool.

What is it about doctors that makes them think they're a superior species? First they demand a special title in front of their names, and next they're treating everyone else like the subterranean Morlock race from H. G. Wells.

If you don't visualize what you want to accomplish, then you won't accomplish anything.

This is what I keep trying to tell you," said Serge. "If you're going to live in this country, you need to speak the language.

You've heard the joke," said Serge. "White pride is rotating the tires on your house.

It's not a question of whether crime pays. It's whether you enjoy your job. That's the key to life.

Florida is a paradox that way, one of the youngest states, yet with some of the oldest European settlements. And this particular section of the northeast shore was home to a couple of the earliest sixteenth-century Spanish and French fortifications.

June 1. The opening day of the Atlantic hurricane season

I go over my own escape routes all the time.

Forgot to mention," Serge called after them. "You're on an advanced strain of St. Augustine called Floratam. Fun fact: got its name when cross-bred in 1972 by a joint research project from the University of Florida and Texas A&M. Get it? Flora-tam. Genetically engineered it to be extra chinch-bug resistant, in case you're planning on sodding anytime soon.

Oh, I'm not worried," said Serge. "I'm cookin'! I love hurricane season!

How'd we get so drunk?" "It's a fuckin' mystery," said Rebecca, slamming a shot glass down on the table.

Republic-tards!

Shhh," said Serge. "The flashback is starting…

Hey, Serge, I just realized that 'slow up' and 'slow down' mean the same thing. That's fucked.

This is going to be the best display in the whole city! . . . Give me another string." Coleman handed it up. "But why do we have to go through all this work if we're just going to take it all down in a couple weeks?" "Because that's the true meaning of Christmas. Running up the December electric bill." Serge draped another strand over a palm frond.

If you practice law without a license, they arrest you. And then you're allowed to be a lawyer and represent yourself. What is that bullshit?

THERE ARE IO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD : THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND BINARY, AND THOSE WHO DON'T.

Is he dead?" "Not sure," said Serge, "but blood from the ears rarely precedes a big dance number.