Quotes from Tim Dorsey

That's the number-one rule in life: Always do what makes you feel better at all times." "That's three number-one rules now." "Rule Number One is that Rule Number One is whatever you want it to be at any time based on self-interest, blinding rationalization and petulance. At least that's the code everyone in this country seems to be operating under.

One of the side effects of good psychedelics is you can't remember how much you took.

Children have it all over adults, possessing magical powers of imagination. Then they grow into cynical tall people. That's the whole problem with the human race: reverse metamorphosis. We turn from butterflies into caterpillars. The key to keeping your wings is regular exercise of your kindergarten muscles of make-believe.

Florida Cable News. A gray-haired man behind the anchor desk reported near tragedy at a state motor vehicle office, where a man who had failed the eye exam pulled a gun and fired fifteen shots at the staff, hitting nobody.

A man can be destroyed but not defeated!" Jethro lifted his beer and drained it all at once and then looked at the can. "I have drunk you, beer, and I thank you. We are now one….

Second-grader brings gun to school. Jesus, what ever happened to just sticking out your tongue?

Look at 'em intimidating those old bastards. Check out that satanic sparkle in their eyes. You don't get that from Folgers.

The key to life is hobbies, otherwise you're asking for trouble. You know what they always say—if Hitler only had a train set…

You never stop being Catholic. It's like the Mafia or Amway.

Florida's the perfect camouflage," said Serge. "Up in Middle America, even one of our low-profile whack jobs would stick out like Pamela Anderson bronco-riding a UFO.

Seriously, why do we stay in this state?" Sean asked.

Capital punishment: Them without the capital get the punishment.

Tampa: Visit again soon: Almost got our shit together.

Our political process appears to be a toxic dance of mutually assured destruction that takes all the citizens down with you, and that can't be right. So I've prepared a little experiment.

It's like teachers. They know they're decent folk who are going to do it anyway. And when people are that virtuous, there's only one thing to do under our system: shit on 'em each paycheck.

And for those playing along at home, we have a new number one for the oxymoron files: death benefits.

I admit I was the guy who removed all the bullets from the assault rifle's extended magazine and then filled it with pot. But now I realize that was wrong because marijuana is dangerous.

Coleman walked to the far bed and clicked on the TV. "It's Nancy Grace." "America's screech owl.

You spent a lot of political currency.' 'As Lyndon Johnson said, what good is political currency if you can't spend it?

A rapidly approaching jackass armada.

But instead they tell you they'll come to fix your cable between noon and five, and I say, okay, I'll pay my next bill between July and November, but they don't laugh.

Of course it was the alcohol," said Teresa. "That's the whole point of alcohol.

How do you eat tofu?" "Scoop it with Doritos

Cape Coral is the largest city between Tampa and Miami, in terms of square miles, which was 120. Of greater note are its 400 miles of canals, more than any other city in the world, including Venice.