Quotes from Tim Dorsey

So how do we spread this good cheer?" "Maybe by skipping. Let's try skipping. You see someone skipping, and you wish wars would stop. Children skip all the time, but you become an adult and forget to skip. Let's skip.

It was really about insurance costs and the ability of wealth to make working America dance like organ-grinder monkeys. We may not have a drug-free country yet, but we're well on the way to a dignity-free country.

Nothing can go wrong now.

He told himself to slow down to appreciate the moment, and he started walking faster to appreciate it sooner…. Photos. I need photos!

Always remember: Your thoughts are God's gift to you, divinely bestowed by the all-knowing life force of the cosmos that's been running through everything since the first stars were born. Every one of your ideas is special. Every one is sacred.

That's the whole key to life: Fuck the conventional wisdom on elves.

Technology has just passed our survival instinct, and the country is spinning on a stationary existential axis of make-believe importance: We text about a Tweet of a YouTube video posted on Facebook with a clip of Glee about not texting that we just texted about. Instead of actual life, we're now living an air-guitar version of life.

Photography teaches me to be observant," said Serge. "Discipline. Becoming one with the environment so I don't miss even the smallest detail." A skunk ape crossed the road behind him.

There's the landmark Columbia Restaurant. Try the paella, or the 1905 salad. That virgin olive oil they use!" Serge kissed his fingertips. "Know why it's called the 1905 salad? That's the year they first opened. Very historic. Over a hundred years in the same spot. And you know what that means? Everyone who ate those first salads: all dead.

There's always a way out.

She stood and pointed at the president with her pen. "How many men do you expect to lose?" The president leaned into the podium. "Our military is in such incredible fighting condition that I actually expect to gain men…. Next question!…

Hey, did you know that in the parking diagram on Tampa International's website, they misspelled Lindbergh's name? Instills that confidence in flying.

And here's how I rationalize my rationalizing. God gave us the ability to rationalize so we can stomach all the horrible things we're required to do every day just to survive the concrete jungle.

There are many roads to dignity, and one is called character—

But when we humans vote for candidates to take away the other guy's benefits—'but keep your fucking hands off my Medicare'—we need to lie to ourselves. It makes us special.

Serge looked up. 'I hope you've learned your lesson.' They nodded quickly and hard. 'And that lesson,' said Serge, 'is that you never really know whom you're fucking with, so best not to do it at all.

I'm an occasional drinker, the kind of guy who goes out for a beer and wakes up in Singapore with a full beard.

They're a bunch of stickers. But it doesn't make any sense. What's the point?" "I know," said Serge. "I couldn't believe it myself when I first saw them. What a country! What an economy! Hopelessly fake bullet holes you stick all over your car to make sure everyone knows you're not getting laid.

I fuck conventional wisdom's wife. Clipboard. Orange cones. You're a mall cop. Not a real cop. My personal code is never harm real cops, who risk their lives every day. The Thin Blue Line. You're an almost-cop, so harming you is a gray area. Thin Gray Line? Who knows? So I'll err on the side of decency and ask nice. Don't yell at any more kids before you're fired.

But it's no surprise; lost people everywhere and none of them accepting my free maps.

I love everything about spring! Reeks of hope, new lease on another year, blooming possibilities, lush beds of violet wildflowers along the interstate, nature's annual migration: whooping cranes, manatees, Canadians.

Cowards and men do not cry the same, and a man can cry with dignity and not confuse the two. But when women get going, they can sometimes throw ashtrays with the velocity of Sandy Koufax, and it is best to leave the house.

These are the first responders," said Serge. "Our state's finest, putting their lives on the line for the rest of us every single day, and what thanks do they get? A highway of dickheads who don't want to miss the next traffic light.

The problem isn't the tourists. It's the criminal element," said Serge. "That, and untended mental health problems. We have all these insane armed hobos coming from the Midwest, usually Ohio.