Quotes from Melody Beattie

When a codependent discontinued their relationship with a troubled person, the codependent frequently sought another troubled person and repeated the codependent behaviors with that new person. These behaviors, or coping mechanisms, seemed to prevail throughout the codependent's life—if they didn't change these behaviors.

We don't have to be controlled by what other people say; we don't have to try to control them with our words and special effects. We don't have to be manipulated, guilted, coerced, or forced into anything. We can open our mouths and take care of ourselves! Learn to say: "I love you, but I love me, too. This is what I need to do to take care of me.

Each person's feelings are his or her own. Nobody makes anyone feel; no one is ultimately responsible for our feelings except us, no matter how much we insist they are. People might help us feel, but they don't make us feel. People also cannot change the way we feel. Only we can do that.

We can change what people see when they look at us by what we believe about ourselves.

Maybe you don't need that much help to feel. Remember, feelings are indicators and motivators. Watch for patterns in our feelings. They tell us a great deal about ourselves and our relationships.

There will be a rightness and an appropriateness to it.

Rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love. The Drama Triangle is a hate triangle. It fosters and maintains self-hate, and it hinders our feelings for other people.

Don't let the lessons, the experiences of the past, dampen your enthusiasm for beginnings. Just because it's been hard doesn't mean it will always be that difficult. Don't let the heartbreaks of the past cause you to become cynical, close you off to life's magic and promise. Open yourself wide to all that the universe has to say.

But our real problems as codependents are our own characteristics—our codependent behaviors. Who's codependent? I am.

When should we detach? When we can't stop thinking, talking about, or worrying about someone or something; when our emotions are churning and boiling; when we feel like we have to do something about someone because we can't stand it another minute; when we're hanging on by a thread, and it feels like that single thread is frayed; and when we believe we can no longer live with the problem we've been trying to live with. It is time to detach! You

If we absolutely can't feel good about something we're doing, then we shouldn't do it - no matter how charitable it seems. We also shouldn't do things for others that they ought to and are capable or doing for themselves. Other people aren't helpless. Neither are we.

Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can't solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves.

In spite of the range of needs and wants that go unmet when we don't love, it may feel safer to not love. We don't risk the uncertainty and vulnerability of closeness. We don't risk the pain of loving, and for many of us love has caused a great deal of pain.

Real power comes from feeling our feelings, not from ignoring them. Real strength comes, not from pretending to be strong all the time, but from acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice.

When we don't get close to people, at least we know what to expect: nothing.

If we aren't feeling, we're probably not examining the thinking that goes with it, and we don't know what ourselves are telling us. And if we don't deal with our feelings we don't change and we don't grow. We stay stuck

Today, I will strive for balance.

Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send us what we're meant to have.

Who we are right now is okay.

Healthy are those who mourn," writes Donald L. Anderson, a minister and psychologist, in Better Than Blessed. "Only very recently have we begun to realize that to deny grief is to deny a natural human function and that such denial sometimes produces dire consequences," he continues.

Some professionals say codependency isn't a disease; they say it's a normal reaction to abnormal people.9

I believe we can successfully turn every aspect of our lives into a goal. If it bothers us, make it a goal. If we're aware something needs to be changed, make it a goal. If we want it, make it a goal.

Force gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive energy in our life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.