Quotes About Humor

This flea which I have in mine ear.

For about a month after my baby was born I bragged to everyone that I had the perfect baby because he never cried. Then I realized those baby monitors have volume control.

She married Mr. Gundover's Dick.

I have to try hard—but I do succeed—to not burst out laughing when he compares my breasts to a perfectly cooked creme brulee—'souple mais ferme.

If wits were pins, the man would be a veritable hedgehog.

It was as if somebody had found a gentle, dignified old lady whose friends were all dead and forced her to wear a funny hat.

Have you become a zookeeper and a lawyer since breakfast?

Movies these days have made killers into funny people. What's that all about? I've got kids and family and friends, and I don't like bad things. I don't think they're funny, and it's irresponsible to make movies that don't show you how that's not good.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!

A fart is just your arse applauding.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.

Never trust a man who when left alone with a tea cosey... doesn't try it on.

Blessed are those who yodel - for they shall never be troubled by offers of work.

Chic Murray once told me, he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, 'Did you fall?' He said, 'No, I'm trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.

Even though everybody knows that when you light up a cigarette God takes an hour off your life and gives it to Keith Richards.

And we took off-whoosh-into the night. Through the clouds, we hurtled up into the sky. And this man farted. I will never forget it as long as I live. Not only was it the worst fart, it was the longest. Maybe, it was the position he was in, he had squeezed his ass all up. But he was kinda leanin over and pointing his ass up toward me. And it made the strangest noise. It was like cloth tearing.

We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, 'who's that?' I say, 'that's Jesus'. He says, 'BABY JESUS?!' I say, 'yeah, that's him'. He says, 'SOMEBODY KILLED BABY JESUS!' It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. 'WHAT? THE BASTARDS KILLED JESUS!

But, you know, when a man turns fifty, the weirdest and most disappointing thing happens. Your doctor loses interest in your testicles. And takes an overwhelming interest in your arsehole. It's the strangest thing. Because the chances of testicular cancer recede as you get older, and the chances of prostate cancer increase. Isn't life a fucking bowl of cherries?