Quotes About Humor

As for Dr. Remond Courtney, his golf swing was so unusual that from a distance he appeared to be beating a snake to death. It was a very violent golf swing for a psychiatrist. He managed an eight on the first hole and still won it by two strokes.

Jerry Crosby was looking out a window at the immaculate green yard, where a lawn worker's leaf blower had caught fire. The worker calmly heaved it in the swimming pool and ambled away.

Mockingbird sometimes found it hard to believe this was the same man she'd married; he looked like a different person now—as if someone had put a fire hose up his ass and inflated him with meringue.

he was bitten in the groin by a Belgian shepherd trainee named Kong, and he required three operations, culminating in a scrotal graft from a Brahma steer.

Carl Hiaasen

Tonight's feature starred the commander-in-chief himself. Angie had been summoned to Casa Bellicosa to unfasten a screech owl from the presidential pompadour, which the low-swooping raptor had mistaken for a road-kill fox.

I don't care if you pack it in fucking kryptonite, that lottery ticket ain't going up your ass.

Satan follows me through the door, flops down on the rug, and farts.

Okay, I'll adopt a kid. That would be huge. No, three kids! Tell Maury to get all over it.' 'Honey, no,' Janet Bunterman said. She endeavored to squelch the idea without stating the obvious: that her daughter was unfit to care for a goldfish, much less a child.

His face appeared to have been massaged with an industrial cheese grater and then retouched with a glue gun.

But I got some great buy on this Oldsmobile. You can't believe it." "Probably not." "I got it from a black guy." "For?" "Two hundred bucks.

It's Brian, please. I get a new gray hair every time a pretty girl calls me mister.

Stoat asked, 'Are you a manhunter?' 'More like a shit-scraper,' the visitor replied. 'And I'm starting with you.

Meanwhile try not to think about you and me in the shower together, all slick and soapy. Not that I'd ever let that happen, but just try not to think about it.

Malley said, 'What's your problem, T.C.? If these two are dumb enough to swim through a lightning storm, let 'em go.' 'No, no, I gotta think.' The governor said thinking was highly overrated, which made me and my cousin laugh in spite of the situation.

I'm sure I'll hear from Daddy, soon as he needs his laundry done. That's the usual program. He's the king of fake tears and phony apologies.

As far as I'm concerned, the gator that ate T.C. deserves a medal from Crime Stoppers.

The final puzzled look on the man's face suggested that he was not expecting to be gored by a giant stuffed fish head.

Well, apparently, I'm trying to fix the entire human race, one flaming asshole at a time.

Yancy might have found humor in the bourbon-soaked TV version of rural Southern life, if Buck was just another harmless stooge. But he wasn't. He was a septic inspiration to impressionable mouth-breathers such as Benny the Blister.

Love this description of minor character, Lou Zicutto: Lou was branch claims manager of the mammoth insurance company where Decker worked part-time as an investigator. Lou was a spindly little twit, maybe a hundred twenty pounds, but he had a huge florid head, which he shaved every day. As a result he looked very much like a Tootsie Pop with lips.

It's hard to imagine an American sports team named the Diarrheas ("Gimme a 'D' …").

Isn't it confusing to have the same name as that scientist guy?" It took me a moment to understand. Was he pulling my leg? Finally, it dawned on me. "I am that scientist guy," I answered. He paused and then smiled. "Sorry. That's my problem. I thought it was yours too.

The world is a funny paper read backwards. And that was it isn't so funny.