Quotes About Humor

He had about the same life expectancy as a three legged hedgehog on a six lane motorway.

They always gives me bath salts, complained Nobby. And bath soap and bubble bath and herbal bath lumps and tons of bath stuff and I can't think why, 'cos it's not as if I hardly ever has a bath. You'd think they'd take the hint, wouldn't you?

They felt, in fact, tremendously bucked-up, which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt.

Ankh-Morpork! Pearl of cities! This is not a completely accurate description, of course — it was not round and shiny — but even its worst enemies would agree that if you had to liken Ankh-Morpork to anything, then it might as well be a piece of rubbish covered with the diseased secretions of a dying mollusc.

He said that there was death and taxes, and taxes was worse, because at least death didn't happen to you every year.

I don't think I've drunk enough beer to understand that.

Murder was in fact a fairly uncommon event in Ankh-Morpork, but there were a lot of suicides. Walking in the night-time alleyways of The Shades was suicide. Asking for a short in a dwarf bar was suicide. Saying 'Got rocks in your head?' to a troll was suicide. You could commit suicide very easily, if you weren't careful.

I wouldn't trust you with a bucket of water if my knickers were on fire!

It's beautiful, said Mort softly. What is it? THE SUN IS UNDER THE DISC, said Death. Is it like this every night? EVERY NIGHT, said Death. NATURE'S LIKE THAT. Doesn't anyone know? ME. YOU. THE GODS. GOOD, ISN'T IT? Gosh! Death leaned over the saddle and looked down at the kingdoms of the world. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, he said, BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY.

WHERE'S MY COW?! IS THAT MY COW?! HRRRUUUUGGGH!!!! THAT'S NOT MY COW! THAT'S A HIPPOPOTAMOUS!

What're quantum mechanics? I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose.

It was like being in a Jane Austen novel, but one with far less clothing.

It's not lying when you do it to officers!

If he'd been a hero, he would have taken the opportunity to say, That's what I call sorted! Since he wasn't a hero, he threw up.

They didn't have to be funny — they were father jokes.

Death strode away, stopped, and came back. He pointed a skeletal finger at The Duck Man. WHY, he said, ARE YOU WALKING AROUND WITH THAT DUCK? What duck? AH. SORRY.

What did they feed the lions and tigers with in the ark, sir?

Don't do anything I wouldn't do, if you ever find anything I wouldn't do.

I? KILL? said Death, obviously offended. CERTAINLY NOT. PEOPLE GET KILLED, BUT THAT'S THEIR BUSINESS. I JUST TAKE OVER FROM THEN ON. AFTER ALL, IT'D BE A BLOODY STUPID WORLD IF PEOPLE GOT KILLED WITHOUT DYING, WOULDN'T IT?

Silverfish looked down. Oh. Are you a dwarf? Cuddy gave him a blank stare. Are you a giant? He said. Me? Of course not! Ah. Then I must be a dwarf, yes.

They can tak' oour lives but they canna tak' oour troousers!

Because no man wants to be a coward in front of a cheese.

He'd heard that writers spent all day in their dressing gowns drinking champagne. This is, of course, absolutely true.

Ninety percent of true love is acute, ear-burning embarrassment.