Quotes About Humor

hey. Your lips didn't move when you said that. Are you a ventriloquist?

A princess never refers to anything as a bitch unless it has eight teats

Two things should have become readily apparent to you by now: First, I'm not the brightest bulb in the pack when it comes to obvious things, and second ... well, it's the same as the first.

Hmph." I pushed the button a couple more times, trying to hurry the elevator along. "Oh, yeah, that's going to do some good. Everyone knows an elevator doesn't shift into second until you really lean on the call button." I pressed it another fifteen times, giving Jim a triumphant smile when the green light lit above the door. "Ha! See? It does too work—oh, sorry. Didn't mean to step on your foot.

You're handsome and you have a nice accent, and a chest that would make a nun perspire.

Exactly. You might not be the sharpest apple in the barrel, but you do have your wicks lit when it matters.

He flashed a grin over his shoulder at me. "Ready to be astounded?" I eyed him. "You're not going to drop your trousers and demand I admire your gorgeous testicles, are you?" "Not after you disparaged their beauty.

Hey!" I said, indignation filling me. "I'm immortal! Doesn't that mean I won't get saggy boobs and gray hair? Because if it doesn't mean that, I want a refund—

I love you, hugs & kisses, smoochies galore, licks, nibbles & assorted gropages!! -Aisling said to Drake

My life used to be boring. A damnation here, a curse there, with an occasional blight or two to break routine. Now I have Aisling...She's better than reality TV, Internet porn sites, and the trashloids all put together.' - Jim

You took a bath without me?" I smiled to myself at the accusation in his voice.

Some days life just wasn't worth the trouble of chewing through the leather straps on the straitjacket.

I really hate sitcoms on television with canned laughter and stuff. What really makes me laugh is the real-life stuff. I've got a dry sense of humor.

Don't make my sister laugh like that!

I wanted to be that quirky girl who writes funny songs that still have meaning.

I think people appreciate a songwriter who shows different sides. The whole angst thing is cool, but if that's all you've got, it's just boring. Everything I write, whether it's happy or sad, has a sense of humor to it.

If you ever start thinking that any of them are developmentally more mature than a high school boy, just remember they named their dogs after beer.

Dear God, Lisa, what are your gingerbread men doing to each other? It's like a gingerbread orgy down there! You made porn cookies!

Before you get too giddy, remember therapy isn't going to come cheap." "What do you want to do? Sell one of the kids?" He grinned wryly. "No, I already looked into that. Ohio isn't one of the states where it's allowed." "So what are our options?" "We could tip some whale hunters to the location of your mom.

I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psychology of an audience what things are funny and not.

Drukpa Kunley, the Master of Truth, himself said, 'If you think I have revealed any secrets, I apologize; If you think this a medley of nonsense, just enjoy it!' Such sentiments, here, I fully endorse!

Suzy said my hair looks like there are dead animals living in it. At least they're dead.

Laughter is a whip that keeps us in line. It's horrible to be laughed at against your will. Either you suppress unwelcome laughter or you start controlling it.

Dad had this story. A Marine and a Navy guy walk into a bathroom together. They both take a piss, and then the sailor goes to the sink. The Marine heads for the door, and the sailor says, 'Hey—in the Navy they teach us to wash up after we take a leak.' And the Marine turns around and says, 'Yeah? Well, in the Marines they teach us not to piss on our hands.