Quotes About Humor

Dad had this story. A Marine and a Navy guy walk into a bathroom together. They both take a piss, and then sailor goes to the sink. The Marine heads for the door, and the sailor says, "Hey- in the Navy they teach us to wash up after we take a leak." And the Marine turns around and says, "Yeah? Well, in the Marines they teach us not to piss on our hands.

IMPORTANT NOTICE! The Publisher wishes to point out that no car designers were harmed in the research and writing of this book. Upon reading the book however, readers may decide that perhaps some should have been!

I was husband for a week. Changed the baby's diapers. There's somebody in a suburb in Melbourne who doesn't even know i wiped his ass

A familiar Gusism was to greet a friend with 'Hello, don't be a cunt all yer life.

Marvin, you're here now," Vale said. He stood up, his knees popping. "The food sucks. They have severed animal heads in the bar. I don't know if you know that." His cigarette sparked against the gravel and he ratcheted open my walker in front of me. "But you're among friends, okay, and you're still walking upright and taking solids. You're winning. Anything beyond that is thinking too far ahead

See, I don't really go after girls. Most of the girlfriends I've had have come after me. So it's really funny when girls get offended because I don't hit on them.

He was trying to tell me something.' Derek snorted. 'Aren't they all? Must be a rule in the ghost handbook—if in danger of evaporating, make sure you're in the middle of a dire pronouncement.

Simon: Anyone ever tell you your sense of timing really sucks? Derek: That's why I don't play the drums. Now what's up?

So I was right, wasn't I? It's still you, even in wolf form.' He grunted. No sudden uncontrollable urges to go kill something?' He rolled his eyes. Hey, you're the one who was worried.' I paused. 'And I don't smell like dinner, right?' I got a real look for that one. Just covering all the bases.

I was very strict on that point. No devouring classmates." Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Other parents warn their kids not to talk to strangers. I had to warn mine not to eat them.

He was trying to tell me something." Derek snorted. "Aren't they all? Must be a rule in the ghost handbook—if in danger of evaporating, make sure you're in the middle of a dire pronouncement.

He wore sweatpants and a T-shirt and had stopped in the middle of the hall, furiously scratching one bare forearm. "Fleas?" I said.

We were so poor the only family pet we could afford was dust bunnies.

Nature has a pretty sick sense of humor.

Miranda rolls her eyes. "Passing over," she says. "That's nice. Is that anything like kicking the bucket? Keeling over, taking a dirt nap, biting the big one?

Anything becomes less boring with googly eyes on it.

I did ask her last week why she needs to do meditating when her life is so totally unstressful, and she absolutely burst out laughing for some weird reason.

(On his marathon live shows) You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows – it's never been done before.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.

So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut.