Quotes About Humor

She's as plastic as you are. If you ever have kids, they'll come out of the birth canal with Fisher-Price stamped on their butts.

You never get mad," she said when their server left the table. "Except at me." "That's not true," he said tightly. "Torie can get me going." "Torie doesn't count. You were obviously her mother in a previous life.

Are you demented, you stupid badger ? Is that your problem ? Or are you just an idiot ?" "As to that, I... Did you just call me a badger ?" "A bastard. I called you a bastard.

Make-up? What happened? You look almost female." "Thanks. You look almost straight.

He sounds like Jesus. Except rich and sexy." "Watch it, Meg. In this town joking about Jesus could get you shot. You've never seen so many of the faithful who're armed.

Bobby Tom] finally understood Gracie's function in his life. She was God's joke on him.

And put me down right this minute or I'll scream bloody murder, then do the job for real!" "I already hid all the electrical appliances, and I'm not taking a shower without locking you in the closet first.

Phoebe tapped the toe of her sneaker against the dock. "There's only one good use for a man like Heath Champion." "Here we go again," Molly muttered. Phoebe's lip curled. "Target practice.

As they began to mount the stairs, he looked up at his mother. "Just how many of those wine coolers did she drink?" "She had three," Suzy replied. Three! Bobby Tom couldn't believe it. After only three drinks, she'd stripped off her clothes and demanded that he have sex with her. "Mom?" He shoved on his hat. "Yes dear." "Whatever you do, don't let her anywhere near a six-pack.

Dallas, is it remotely possible for you to carry on a conversation that's not loaded down with manure?

Stop trying to be cute. You're too mean to be cute.

my awful wedded husband.

She hated using airplane toilets. She was always afraid the plane would choose the exact moment she was most defenseless to crash, and she'd spend her final seconds of life spiraling toward earth with her bottom bare to the world.

If I were going to put a price tag on my lady parts, I'd find a more appetizing buyer.

Save your sweet talk for later, Daphne. The garbage guys just drove up with the new Dumpster." "Shut the lid after you climb in.

Chip, I know you don't understand this, but I'd take it as a personal favor if you'd stop trying to marry your mother off to my brothers.

Damn, I love you," Dallie murmured. "My sweet little Fancy Pants, driving me half crazy, nagging me to death." He kissed her again, long and slow. "You're almost the best thing that ever happened to me." "Almost?" she murmured against his lips. "What's the best?" "Being born good-looking." And then he kissed her again.

If you 're serious about getting it on again, be sure to give me some advance notice, so I can grab my appointment calendar and block out three minutes.

Mummy's coming home late tonight. It'll be just we guys, so we can get drunk and watch porn.

I was kidding. Even I'm not that promiscuous. You guru people have no sense of humor." "I'm not a guru people, and I happen to have a very well developed sense of humor. Why else would I still be talking to you?

As for your back rubs... Study an anatomy book, pal, because what you've been rubbing isn't my back.

I hate to admit this, but some days hearing about other people's problems actually cheers me up.

She's as plastic as you are! I'm telling you, it's a bad idea. If the two of you have kids, they'll come out of the birth canal with Fisherprice stamped on their butts!

Eat your heart out. Oh, wait. You can't. It's not organic.