Quotes About Humor

I can't cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Jews don't go camping. Life is hard enough as it is.

My bottom is so big it's got its own gravitational field.

Sarky beast," said

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit,' sir.

Be sure and check Teach's Hole," Mother advised. "I wish they would put my teacher in a hole," said Michael.

Truly, the world was a comedy of errors, and she was the butt of the joke.

I'm like an asshole in a sitcom who learns the same fucking lesson every week and this is my life .

I peeked in the bag. Do you know what was in there? I'll tell you what was in there: a collapsible tray table. Is there any sadder purchase in this fucking world? Maybe a CD of C+C Music Factory's Greatest Hits, but that's about it.

one minute you are the victim of my evildoing (LOL)

What other kid, what other boy, would like The Middle? He says it's great because all the Hecks are smart and stupid at the same time. He says most other shows make you be one or the other.

She doesn't look back as we round the corner and her new jeans are so tight, I hope she gets a yeast infection.

Let it be known that I only punched him once and not in the face.

this shower curtain is something you are going to look at Every. Fucking. Day. So I started going through hundreds of options online. Most of the designs are bullshit you could never stomach every day (a map of the world, go fuck yourself, fish, a map of Brooklyn, really go fuck yourself, snowmen, the Eiffel Tower, nautical signs—I mean, I'm not some fucker who buys scarves at Urban Outfitters and rates movies on IMDB). I just wanted something funny and classic.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs... but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.

God is Great Beer is Good and People are Crazy

Where is Wildene?" "Just step out the door and holler "Sooie! Sooie! She's a ho hog if ever I saw one. She'll come running.

a new baby is not uninterrupted bliss. It's joy mixed with terror, fatigue, depression, intense feelings of helplessness, loneliness and inadequacy. And poop.

You know, you're not so bad when you try to be nice." "It's not easy." He looked down as he brought the end of the towel around his hip. "Damn thing's pink." The corner of her mouth twitched. "You're man enough to carry it off. Or are you afraid you aren't pretty in pink?" "Baby, I'm so pretty in pink, I'm worried you won't be able to help yourself.

Please!" I stop my pacing, glare at him. "Is that all you can think about at a time like this?" Gabriel rolls up on one elbow and smiles at me. "I'm a guy. It's what I think about all the time.

Okay," I gasp. "I can't really breathe, but other than that, okay." "Breathing's overrated," Gabriel advises me."I'm discovering that right about now with this damn tie.

All I wanted for the rest of my life was to keep making her laugh like that.

chuckled. "Oh, boy.