Quotes About Humor

The only exercise guru then was Richard Simmons—a flamboyant fuzzy-haired creature who vaguely resembled a gay Bozo the Clown, unless that's redundant, which I, thank God, have no way of knowing, having no, thank God, direct

Someone's summered in my stomach, Someone's fallen through my legs, To make an infant omelet, Simply scramble sperm and eggs.

I had so much lip gloss on you might have slid off and broken your own lips if you tried to kiss me.

If anyone reads this when I have passed to the big bad beyond I shall be posthumorously embarrassed. I shall spend my entire afterlife blushing. I'm

I always thought that they should make an epidural that works from the neck up, which was a condition I aspired to for most of what I laughingly refer to as my adult life.)

Her other boyfriend before me was a druggie, too. I don't mean... he was a druggie. I like drugs, but he was a druggie . It's like she just goes out with people who take drugs so she can pick on them. Joan of Narc, patron saint of the addict. - Alex

So my death is worth something to some people. If I had enough pictures signed someone could put out a hit on me.

So instead of a bra, what do you think I wore for support, intergalactically? Gaffer's tape.

I fell under the heading of: Good Anecdote, Bad Reality. I was really good for material, but when it came to day-to-day living, I was more than he could take.

Baby, the fact that you know that's funny is going to save your whole life.

When I was initially approached about going to Comic-Con, the giant comic book convention, I said, 'I wouldn't be caught dead at one of those has-been roundups." But, as it turns out, I've been caught alive at those roundups often enough to wish I was dead.

Actually, he told me later that I had turned him gay . . . by taking codeine again. And I said, "You know, I never read that warning on the label." I thought it said heavy machinery, not homosexuality—turns out I could have been driving those tractors all along! Turning

I thought for a moment, searching for a funny reply. What to say? Make him laugh! Make him like me! Oh, please make him like me! Then everything will be fine or thereabouts. But no punch lines came to deliver that body blow that would reignite the blaze of his smile. What a jerk I was. I've always been a jerk and always will be. He hates me now and thinks I'm boring and stupid.

Oh! Before I forget! My mother wants you all to know that this comes from my father's side. She's as normal as the day is long.

because my father has had so many face-lifts that he looks Asian himself.

Oh, and my form of mental illness is also a tiny bit infectious by the way. I may have gotten it from Amy Winehouse's toilet seat. So

If what doesn't kill you makes you—well, what doesn't kill you makes you not dead but if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then I should be able to lift Cedars-Sinai Hospital and glow in the dark. So I say to myself at this point—BRING IT ON!!!

While she'd been drying her hair, she'd come up with a new message for her answering machine - "I'm out, deliberately avoiding your call" - and that simple burst of creativity had raised her spirits a bit.

Do I look like someone who would be wandering around with a bunch of cologne names rattling around in my head? Well, tragically, I did. I did have quite a few ideas for cologne names and so I told them to Bob.

So, what happens is you go to space and you become weightless. So far so good, right? But then your body expands??? But your bra doesn't - so you get strangled by your own bra. Now I think that this would make for a fantastic obit - so I tell my younger friends that no matter how I go, I want it reported that I drowned in moonlight, strangled by my own bra.

I have to start by telling you that my entire existence could be summed up in one phrase. And that is: If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable.

He wipes his hand on his shirt. What? Did I drool on you?" A little." You're a wolf. You should be used to drool." That's low.

Mrs Nix smacks herself in the head again. If she keeps that up she'll bruise

Boys are stupid. That's all there is to it. Boys are just stupid.