Quotes About Humor

Definition of Father's Day: Same as Mother's Day but you don't spend as much.

My folks refused to have more than four children after reading that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese.

No matter what, Dad was always there with solid words of advice . . . "Go ask your mother."

Father reading report card: One thing in your favor - with these grades, you couldn't possibly be cheating.

Dad named his first ulcer after me.

MOTHER TO TEENAGER ON SUNDAY MORNING: I believe I heard the clock strike one when you came in last night. teen: Well, I know how much you need your sleep, so it was going to strike ten but I stopped it at one chime.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I write as a sow piddles.

She was an aging singer who had to take every note above 'A' with her eyebrows.

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men.

No one is exempt from talking nonsense; the misfortune is to do it solemnly.

So get a few laughs and do the best you can.

The most thoroughly wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed.

If any of you are related to our main guest, let me know so I can speak slowly.

An evening like this would be empty without some reference to [politics], so let's just think of this as empty.

A speech that's full of sparkling wit will keep its hearer grinning, provided its end is close to its beginning.

I'd like to tell you some jokes now, but you'd only laugh.

A toastmaster is a man who eats a meal he doesn't want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn't remember to people who've already heard them.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic, . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.

As one skeleton said to the other - if I had any guts I'd get the heck out of here.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, Why should I? He never reads any of mine.

When I was preparing for this speech I asked my family for advice. One member replied, "There's a first time for everything, so try to be funny and brief."

Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously, they've never heard me tell a joke.