Quotes About Humor

It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world, of any class or race, simply by walking on a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man."

Diogenes was asked what wine he liked best, and he answered, "Somebody else's."

It is so comical to hear oneself called old, even at ninety I suppose!

Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.

How long can you be cute?

The world is a comedy to those who think; a tragedy to those who feel.

Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.

Why don't you get a haircut; you look like a chrysanthemum.

The man recover'd of the bite, The dog it was that died.

Politics is not a good location or a vocation for anyone lazy, thin-skinned or lacking a sense of humour.

Someone asked me... how I felt and I was reminded of a story that a fellow townsman of ours used to tell - Abraham Lincoln. They asked him how he felt once after an unsuccessful election. He said he felt like a little boy who has stubbed his toe in the dark. He said that he was too old to cry, but it hurt too much to laugh.

Optimism and humor are the grease and glue of life. Without both of them we would never have survived our captivity.

A rich man's joke is always funny.

It's pleasant to hear these nice words while I'm still alive. I'd rather have the taffy than the epitaphy.

Since my little daughter is only half Jewish, would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spenser is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I'm not feeling so well myself.

Those modern analysts, they charge so much! In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.

I never knew an enemy to puns who was not an ill-natured man.

Of puns it has been said that those most dislike who are least able to utter them.

He that would pun would pick a pocket.

I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.

The blind man is laughing at the bald head.

I don't deserve this, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.