Quotes About Humor

Personally, I know nothing about sex because I've always been married.

I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Laughter would be bereaved if snobbery died.

The cocktail party - as the name itself indicates - was originally invented by dogs. They are simply bottom-sniffings raised to the rank of formal ceremonies.

Once you get people laughing, they're listening and you can tell them almost anything.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Many of the most successful men I have known have never grown up. They have retained bubbling-over boyishness. They have relished wit, they have indulged in humor. They have not allowed "dignity" to depress them into moroseness. Youthfulness of spirit is the twin brother of optimism, and optimism is the stuff of which American business success is fashioned. Resist growing up!

When asked how long I've worked here, I replied, "since the day they threatened to fire me."

He must really be a big success - even his mother-in-law admits it.

The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

I really don't deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you mad if it happened to you.

If Noah found himself back on Earth, you can bet all he would recognize would be the jokes.

A sense of humor is the ability to laugh at your own jokes when your friends tell them.

There are no perfect people - except, of course, my wife's first husband.

Let's face it, some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

That kind of so-called housekeeping where they have six Bibles and no cork-screw.

The total absence of humour in the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."

When compelled to cook, I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower gag.

It gives me great strength to know that half the people I meet are below average.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing other patients.