Quotes About Humor

We've never been happier. Things are great. . . I just don't go into her part of the house.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first divorced me and the second won't.

God this request isn't for me it's for my mom. . . . Could you send her a son-in-law?

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce I think I'm about a hundred thousand dollars short.

I've married a few people I shouldn't have but haven't we all?

Going shopping with your husband is like his going fishing with the game warden.

My wife and I had words - but I never got to use mine.

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5 000 Gideon Bibles.

When a man opens the car door for his wife it's either a new car or a new wife.

A husband always prefers his wife's mother-in-law to his own.

Old age is the time when birthday candles cost more than the birthday cake itself, and half of your urine is wasted on medical testing.

I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn't diagnose a decapitation.

You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?

Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon.

According to your medical checkup, you are dead.

HOMÅ'OPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.

Jews were asked when life begins. For them it's when they finally graduate medical school.

Laughter may or may not activate the endorphins or enhance respiration, as some medical researchers contend. What seems clear, however, is that laughter is an antidote to apprehension and panic.

Screwy," I said. "Is that a medical term?" "Of course.

If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!

I don't need an Iron Man suit. I'm already a weapon of mass seduction.

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for years.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.