Quotes About Humor

I call my wife and tell her I'm going to sleep at the lab. She reminds me that she left me a week ago. Louis tries to crack me up by pantomiming humping a chimp through the cage.

Sede Hanibal Barca i Filip II u nekom kafi?u i pricaju o ratnim taktima , kad nailazi odnekud oftamolog te im rekne - A jelte vas dvojica , da nijeste možda naletili na Vasilija Drugog Bugaroubicu? xoxoxoxoxo

When you slip on a banana peel, people laugh at you. But when you tell people you slipped on a banana peel, it's your laugh.

I'll have what she's having

Writers are cannibals. They really are. They are predators, and if you are friends with them, and if you say anything funny at dinner, or if anything good happens to you, you are in big trouble.

Well, at least this time I get to be a person in the story. The last time you told one of your Russian parables I was a bag of chickens.

I've always believed that the concept of the Jewish princess was invented by a Jewish prince who couldn't get his wife to fetch him the butter.

I'll tell you how sensible Arthur is: he doesn't even mind being bald.

Because if I tell the story, I control the version. Because if I tell the story, I can make you laugh, and I would rather have you laugh at me than feel sorry for me. Because if I tell the story, it doesn't hurt as much. Because if I tell the story, I can get on with it.

How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head, and start flossing with it at the table?

You're talking dream date compared to my horror. I started out fine, she's a very nice person, and we're sitting and we're talking in this Ethiopian restaurant she wanted to go to. I was making jokes, like, "Hey, I didn't know they had food in Ethiopia. This'll be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave.

Eventually I noticed that the meat loaf had been downgraded slightly to a Tuesday night special, but I was too busy practicing monogamy with the chili to worry about the meat loaf.

I almost felt sorry for myself. But it was time for lunch.

I tried having two purses, one for personal things and one for work things. (Yes, I know: The second purse is usually called a briefcase).) This system works for most people but not for me, and for a fairly obvious reason, which I've already disclosed: I am not an organized human being.

As for egg salad, here's our recipe: boil eighteen eggs, peel them, and send six of the egg whites to friends in California who persist in thinking that egg whites matter in any way.

squats are a form of torture designed by people who don't need to do squats in the first place

Remind me not to piss you off Red. You might aim for the heart and shoot me in the balls.

She wants to learn how to handle a gun. Well, I want George Clooney naked in my bed, but I haven't attempted kidnapping. Yet.

He decided there was no point in telling her he'd looked in the fridge and seen none of these things. There'd just be some variation of his mother's standard crack about Male Refrigeration Blindness Syndrome.

I'm damned if I'm going to be eaten by a bear when I'm naked. I'm sure it's a more pleasant experience dressed.

And don't worry." Bob, Carter's best man and colleague, held up a notebook computer. "I've got it handled on this end. And I memorized the vows just in case he needs me to throw him a line." "You're a treasure, Bob." She waited until she was out of earshot to laugh.

Maybe you could casually mention to Zoe that I'm not now, nor have I ever been, an axe murderer. I'll see if I can work it into our next conversation, Flynn promised.

Dinner's in one hour. If you're not back, sitting at the table, I'll beat you all unconscious with a spatula.

What was your secret? That brought another smile. Learn to laugh, otherwise, you'll beat them to death with a hammer first chance