Quotes About Humor

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk. We go to parties.

Jokes about menstrual cycles are not funny. Period.

Why periods? Why can't Mother Nature just send a text message: "What'z up, Girl? You ain't pregnant. Have a great week! Talk next month."

Practice safe text — use commas and never miss a period.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

When our bed is made it's covered in forty pillows like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

Year 2020 Humor. — Kids in the future will have to endure an entire school year of History class devoted just to the year 2020.

They say a psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

A pun is a short quip followed by a long groan.

I never knew an enemy of puns who was not an ill-natured man. A pun is a noble thing per se; it fills the mind, it is as perfect as a sonnet. May my last breath be drawn through a pipe and exhaled as a pun.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they always take them literally.

People who make puns are like wanton boys that put coppers on the railroad tracks. They amuse themselves and other children, but their little trick may upset a freight train of conversation for the sake of a battered witticism.

I'm an incorrigible punster. Do not incorrige me.

Aphorism: a concise, clever statement. Afterism: a concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote" so right before I die I could say "unquote."

"That's what." —She

I really didn't say everything I said.

Traveler: "God has been mighty good to your fields, Mr. Farmer." Farmer: "You should have seen how he treated them when I wasn't around."

I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

If safety is a joke, then death is the punchline.

Sarcasm is the sour cream of wit.

Sarcasm: It's how I hug.

I'm allergic to stupidity — I break out in sarcasm.