Quotes About Humor

Honey, tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

I'm not trying to be sarcastic — it just comes naturally.

I'm fluent in bad puns and sarcasm.

There is no gravity. The earth sucks.

My father told me all about the birds and bees. The liar — I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I just read that men reach their sexual peak at 18. Women reach their sexual peak at 35. Do you get the feeling that God is into practical jokes? We're reaching our sexual peak right around the same time they're discovering they have a favorite chair.

A little girl had been looking at some pictures of angels and she turned to her mamma and asked: "Mamma, why are there no men in heaven?" "But there are men in heaven," replied her mother. "Then why is it," asked the child, "that we never see any pictures of angels with whiskers or mustache?" "True," was the reply," but there are men in heaven, only they get in by a close shave.

I've never been skydiving, but I have zoomed in on Google Earth really fast.

You know you're a skydiver when your friends think it's funny when you are sleeping to blow a fan in your face and set a beeper off near your ear.

Jump pilots have an open door policy.

Sleep deprivation is my drug of choice.

Start the day with a smile (and get it over with)

A smile is like tight underwear — it makes your cheeks go up.

The best way to stop smoking is to carry wet matches.

You will not complain, whine, or cry, or else I will be forced to tell you about the one time I stuck a piece of chocolate up my nose because I didn't want to be caught by my mummy sneaking it...

Peiyi is a melon head!

When my daughter was born, we videotaped the birth. Now when she makes me angry, I just hit rewind and put her back in.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

A friend asked her doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said, "Thirty-five children is enough for any woman."

There is no gravity. The earth sucks.

I fart in your general direction. Your mother has a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.