Quotes About Humor

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!

Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it's a joke, but I've had so many news programs in this country say, 'So what's it like, having an ocelot?" And I'll say, "It's marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they're mewling, it just warms your heart.' People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It's not just me. Look around.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.

I only read books if Voltaire's cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.

Tony smiled broadly as he pushed past Jade and walked into the entranceway. "There's these two sperm swimming. And they're exhausted. They've been at it forever, seems like hours. Finally, one turns to the other and says, 'Hey! How much longer we got?' Other sperm looks back at him and says. 'Who you kidding? We just got past the esophagus!' " His laughter started as soon as he finished the joke.

The women laugh a little. I do too. Though I'm only mimicking their laughter. Nothing is funny to me.

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

Pardon my pants. I'm fresh from an axe murder.

Puns are the gag hand buzzers of conversation. It hurts a bit but everyone gets a good laugh out of it.

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.