Quotes About Humor

If his nose were a tail he would be the perfect image of a sow's rear end.

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:oo AM

He drank even as he rode, which looked difficult. I cannot say it slowed him down any, but it did make him silly. Why do people wish to be silly?

Being a facetious person I got no credit for any depth of feeling.

I like chickens," said Norwood. "You can go in a chicken house at night and they're all sitting there on them poles facing the front like they was riding an elevator.

To the best of my knowledge he had never even voted, and then someone must have told him something about politics, some convincing lie, or he read something—it's usually one or the other—and he stopped being funny and turned mean and silent. That wasn't so bad, but then he stopped being silent.

Well, it was right in there where I lost him. That traffic circle is where he tore his britches. I never saw him after that. He has no chin, you know." "You told me that." "Captain Hughes of the Rangers used to say that if they ever hanged old Ski they would have to put the rope under his nose.

If you did that I wouldn't even be mad. I'd be dead.

See appendix A for a proof that Winston Churchill was a carrot.

A joke was the best barometer for mental weather.

Here's what Nietzsche said to the ceiling: "The rank of the philosopher is determined by the rank of his laughter." But he couldn't really laugh.

The plain truth is we are going to die. Here I am, a teeny spec surrounded by boundless space and time, arguing with the whole of creation, shaking my fist, sputtering, growing even eloquent at times, and then-poof! I am gone. Swept off once and for all. I think that is very, very funny.

Christmas: the one time of year when you can't avoid the nuts in your family muesli.

In memory of Terry Pratchett, who showed us all how it's done

Why do you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they're really good at it. I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!

What did the plate say to the napkin? "Dinner is on me.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. I, for one, like Roman numerals. Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester. Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck.

Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it maximized his utility.

Whatever the reason, first place was always Solo, always, always, always, and second place was usually Chewbacca, because if you weren't the one saving the galaxy, you might as well be eight feet tall and covered with hair.

My manager IMs me. We get along pretty well. His name is Phil. Phil is an old copy of Microsoft Middle Manager 3.0. His passive-aggressive is set to low. Whoever configured him did me a solid. The only thing, and this isn't really that big a deal, is that Phil thinks he's a real person. He likes to talk sports, and tease me about the cute girl in Dispatch, whom I always have to remind him I've never met, never even seen.

Frustration boils into indignation which condenses into something like, how funny is this shit? Because at some point, this shit kinda is funny.

The heart of the show, Black and White is 'dunt eat too much Chinese food.

Worshipping God] is like fellating someone who intermittently stubs fags out on your head for no good reason. And we all know how unsatisfying that can be.