Quotes About Humor

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

Sorry about the squishy in your shoe. Must've been something I ate.

What do you mean "Ewww"? How is my tuna breath worse than peanut butter?

Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads.

Joking in the midst of disaster,' she said. '"Laughter is a balm for the afflicted, the best defense against despair, the only medicine for melancholy.

I miss being a kid. I got food, clothing, and shelter for free. Grownups only get that in jail.

I think humor is important for all of us, and a great comedian is a great treasure.

I've never had plastic surgery. I still have my own real breasts. I know, because when I lay on my back they roll underneath my arms, and I look like a hammerhead shark.

If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!

It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself.

This toast feels raw. Is it safe to eat raw toast?

Grinning is something you do when you are entertained in some way, such as reading a good book or watching someone you don't care for spill orange soda all over themselves.

It has been said that the hardest job in the world is raising a child, but the people who says this have probably never worked at a comb factory or captured pirates on the high seas.

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

You're just jealous of me because I'm a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian!

The quoting of an aphorism, like the angry barking of a dog or the smell of overcooked broccoli, rarely indicates that something helpful is about to happen.

Never, under any circumstances, let the Virginian wolfsnake near a typewriter.

The last time I saw you, I was trying to throw thumbtacks into your cradle!

Tee hee torture!

If you were upset about an ugly pimple on the end of your nose, you might try to feel better by keeping your pimple in perspective. You might compare your pimple situation to that of someone who was being eaten by a bear, and when you looked in the mirror at your ugly pimple, you could say to yourself, 'Well, at least I'm not being eaten by a bear.

Tell me what it is, or prepare to eat harpoon.

Or why you are wearing a picture of Santa Clause on you shirts, but-" "It's Herman Melville.

Hup hup ha ha hammy hee hee!

Yes, I know," Isadora said, and then read her poem, leaning forward so Carmelita Spats would not overhear: "I would rather eat a bowl of vampire bats than spend an hour with Carmelita Spats." The Baudelaires giggled and then covered their mouths so nobody would know they were laughing at Carmelita. "That was great," Klaus said. "I like the part about the bowl of bats.