Quotes About Humor

I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits."

When my boss told me this is the fifth time I'm late, I smiled and thought to myself, it's Friday!!

Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.

I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!

"Just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin' like this — and totally redeem yourself! Ha Ha!"

Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass.

"Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station."

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

"Behind every successful man is a woman – with nothing to wear."

All generalizations are false, including this one.

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary column.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you.

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

I don't mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.'

I'm addicted to placebos.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside.

Crazy is a relative term in my family!

What I tell a girl is, your six-pack hot boyfriend right now, in six years, will be balding and maybe have a paunch. But I make you laugh every five minutes today, and I'll make you laugh 20 years from now; that's not going to go away.

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, 'Children's Letters to God.' You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, 'Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.'

The challenge of leadership is to be strong but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not a bully; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humor, but without folly.