Quotes About Humor

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I know a guy who had his nose broken in two places. He ought to stay out of those places.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Take my wife, please.

The wisest fool in Christendom [James I of England].

The only cure for vanity is laughter, and the only fault that is laughable is vanity.

However spontaneous it seems, laughter always implies a kind of secret freemasonry, or even complicity, with other laughers, real or imaginary.

Laughter appears to stand in need of an echo, Listen to it carefully: it is not an articulate, clear, well-defined sound; it is something which would fain be prolonged by reverberating from one to another, something beginning with a crash, to continue in successive rumblings, like thunder in a mountain.

Laughter has no greater foe than emotion…. To produce the whole of its effect, then, the comic demands something like a momentary anesthesia of the heart.

Pelo temor que o riso inspira, reprime as excentricidades, mantém constantemente despertas e em contato mútuo certas atividades de ordem acessória que correriam o risco de isolar-se e adormecer; suaviza, enfim, tudo o que puder restar de rigidez mecânica na superfície do corpo social.

O maior inimigo do riso é a emoção.

O humorista é no caso um moralista disfarçado em cientista, algo como um anatomista que só faça dissecação para nos desagradar; e o humor, no sentido restrito que damos à palavra, é de fato uma transposição do moral em científico.