Quotes About Humor

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.

A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don't think there will be a second date.

They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.

Be careful if you go to Disneyland. There's an outbreak of measles. They have traced the disease to Donald Duck running around without his pants.

Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.

A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?

The new Dennis Rodman doll is $19.95, assault and battery not included.

There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix-up and he was greeted by seventy-two vegans.

British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may have to start drilling for water.

In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.

If you're not entertaining, what the hell's the point?

His whole personality was like an elaborate joke that he never stopped telling.

Josh speculated about the hypothetical contents of an imaginary porn magazine for intelligent trees that would be entitled Enthouse.

I just completed a long car trip on a Sunday in August with two small children, which believe me is enough to convince you that Samuel Beckett was right about everything.

In one huge leather-gloved fist Jollyby held up a large, madly kicking hare by its ears. 'Son of a bitch,' Dauntless said. 'He caught it.' Dauntless was a talking horse. She just didn't talk much.

He's so happy," Eliot said dryly. "It's like he cooked something and it came out looking like the picture in the cookbook.

The bear, it emerged, drank only peach schnapps, which it sipped from delicate thimble-size glasses.

Vile Father's brown nipples, on the ends of his pendulous man-cans, were like dried figs.

Humbledrum farted mournfully, three distinct notes.

Jesus you're hurting my man-boobs.

Awesome axes," Josh said. "Where did you—" "Your mom gave them to me," Janet said. "After I fucked her." "Why—" "Because she enjoyed it so much." Not

The smell of life." "The smell of farts.

That got some appreciative laughter, though he wasn't joking, and the bird didn't laugh. It didn't answer him either. Quentin couldn't read its face; like all birds, it had only one expression.