Quotes About Humor

A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

I like children - fried.

I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

If Falstaff had stuck to martinis, he'd be with us today.

Definition of a College professor: someone who talks in other people's sleep.

In those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; in those whom I love I can: they all make me laugh.

Poetry is like making a joke. If you get one word wrong at the end of a joke, you've lost the whole thing.

Impropriety is the soul of wit.

You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.

Anyone can tell the truth, but only very few of us can make epigrams.

You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches them tolerance.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.