Quotes About Humor

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.

Drowned in a vat of whiskey... Oh Death, where is thy sting?

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Waitress: Don't be so free with your hands. Fields: Listen honey, I was only trying to guess your weight.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Most people enjoy the sight of their own handwriting as they enjoy the smell of their own farts.

In a tragic contradiction between the normal and the exceptional, there is suffering, in a comic contradiction, none.

The guy came at him with a baseball bat. What was he supposed to do, unfriend him on Facebook?

Gilbert's response to being told they (the words 'ruddy' and 'bloody') meant the same thing was: "Not at all, for that would mean that if I said that I admired your ruddy countenance, which I do, I would be saying that I liked your bloody cheek, which I don't.

Sing 'Hey to you — good-day to you' — Sing 'Bah to you — ha! ha! to you' — Sing 'Booh to you — pooh, pooh to you' — And that's what you should say!

There was an old man of St. Bees, Who was stung in the arm by a wasp; When they asked, "Does it hurt?" He replied, "No, it doesn't, But I thought all the while 'twas a Hornet.

Poetry is like making a joke. If you get one word wrong at the end of a joke, you've lost the whole thing.

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.

I don't often get a chance to have a frying pan in the show.

If you don't laugh at all, you've missed the point. If you only laugh, you've missed your chance from illumination.

When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!