Quotes About Humor

Look, I had to take chances or it wasn't fun being funny.

What was your secret?" That brought another smile. "Learn to laugh, otherwise, you'll beat them to death with a hammer first chance

Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar... Or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

All my friends got dogs and cats for Christmas, and I got a starfish called Roy. I used to take him down to the park on a lead.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Well, I think I learned a valuable lesson. Always take down your Christmas decorations after new years or you might get filleted by a hooker from God.

When we kicked off and no one came to mark me I thought, 'Hello, it's Christmas.'

Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren't for Christmas We'd all be Jewish.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

...So put a gerbil on your Christmas list.

Well, you're not exactly Superman, but you're awfully available.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

I have a brother who gives socks for Christmas. He gives socks. Every year, I get a pair of socks from him.

Every Christmas people are so nice to me, they think I am Little Tim from A Christmas Story. But I'm not. *smiles*

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

On my days off I pick up our chicken's eggs. My wife and I have five chickens called The Spice Girls. Five lovely chicks. And no, we won't be eating any of them for Christmas dinner.