Quotes About Humor

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

My dad used to have to open the second bottle of wine in the loo in case Mum heard the cork coming out.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

Dad sometimes patted me on the knee and called me his Little Schmuck.

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

My dad keeps joking about sneaking into my grandparents' house and switching out their HBO for PBS so they think I'm on 'Downton Abbey.

My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable I'd be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask.

I'd like to thank ma da (dad)... my mum for doin' aw ma washin'

My dad was the funniest guy I ever knew.

My son Jack once said to me, 'Dad, do you think people are laughing with you or at you?' And I said, 'I don't care as long as they're laughing.'

Sometimes being a dad is like watching a ping-pong match.

Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Don't be silly. Even if I didn't use it in the house?

From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!

I'm a fun dad, but I don't know if I'm the fun, crazy dad.

I occasionally borrow pot from my kids. They do a little weed occasionally. 'Here, Dad' — or more likely, 'Dad, have you got any?'

Every year, dads will dress up as Santa and try to surprise their kids by coming down the chimney, and every year, a dad gets stuck and dies.

Dad's going steady with a pig in the barn.

Teddy said it was a hat, So I put it on. Now dad is saying, "where the heck's the toilet plunger gone?