Quotes About Humor

You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch) Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)

You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident," Butch said. Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. "You broke my window." "Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it." "Twice." "Thus proving that he and I are outstanding marksmen.

That's you," Wrath said. You shall be called the Black Dagger warrior Dhestroyer, descended of Wrath son of Wrath." "But you'll always be Butch to us," Rhage cut in. "As well as hard-ass. Smart-ass. Royal pain in the ass. You know, whatever the situation calls for. I think as long as there's an ASS in there, it'll be accurate." "How about bASStard?" Z suggested. "Nice. I feel that.

Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck." Phury: "That was you?" Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?

One more thing." "What." "I think we're dating now." As V barked out a laugh, the cop shrugged. "Come on....I got you naked. You wore a damn corset. And don't get me started about the sponge bath afterward." "Fucker." "To the end.

You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch) Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)

I love you, asshole." Then Gavin laughed. "Right back at you, dickhead.

She made a good point. So did her nipples.

Liz: "Talking is overrated." Gavin: "Now you sound like a guy." Liz: "That's why you like me." Gavin: "Because you're a guy?

I don't understand why some guys get self-conscious when they buy condoms. I don't get embarrassed when I buy condoms. I get embarrassed when I throw them out after they expire.

MARILYN MONROE: What about the difference in our ages? JACK: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine. MARILYN MONROE: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine? JACK: Gee, I never thought of that.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.

MUGGER: Your money or your life. (long, awkward pause) Look bud. I said, your money or your life. JACK: I'm thinking it over!

WAITER: [serving Jack's drink] ... and one Shirley Temple. JACK: [sips drink] Wait a minute! You put Scotch in this Shirley Temple! WAITER: She's a big girl, now.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

You could try being funny more often," she added, releasing her grip on his shirt. "If you do, I think I might someday be able to tolerate you, if I don't kill you first." Jason grinned. "That's the nicest thing any girl ever said to me.

Can you giggle?" he asked. "I don't giggle, Jason. I can…chuckle.

It's quiet." "Too quiet," Jason said, then laughed. "That's an ancient joke on Earth." "The more I hear about Urth the stranger it gets.

Can you row some more?" "The engines cannae take no more, Captain," Jason muttered in an accent stranger than his usual one, then turned a grin on her. "That's another ancient joke.

Insanity is hereditary—you get it from your kids. ~Sam Levenson

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. -Victor Borge

The NCOs on his staff were all convinced that his regulation-length brown mustache was the result of the time he spent crawling up the SOCOM acquisition director's ass. This, along with his rodentlike face, led to his nickname: Gerbil.

The jokes are great but what really matters for a comedian is his performance, his whole attitude, and the laughs that he gets between the jokes rather than on top of the jokes.