Quotes About Humor

I only fear God, and my wife - sometimes.

Since I've been in the U.S. I've lost the back of my heart, 15 ft. of intestine and my marriage - and God, I miss my intestine.

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

God, middle age is an unending insult.

Lightness, jesting, and joking, can only be indulged at the expense of barrenness of soul, and the loss of the favor of God.

God wears white flannels.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

I don't want people to think I believe in God.

If god had meant us to use the metric system he would have given us ten finger and ten toes.

He had the sort of face that makes you realize God does have a sense of humor.

Thank God genuine video phones hadn't been invented. I hadn't even grabbed a towel. Ford Prefect would despair of me.

If God made Adam and Eve, they had children... wait a minute... that means someone banged their sister!

Comedy [deals] with a lot of the same areas where our defenses are the strongest - race, religion, politics, sexuality.

You ever wonder if Adam and Eve were just the puppies God dumped because they wouldn't house-train?

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.

Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

What's the difference between the Lone Ranger and God? There really is a Lone Ranger.