Quotes About Humor

William Tell's son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, There's gotta be an easier way to kill worms. Never got a dinner!

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

We are Muslims. My father would pawn off his Muslim in-laws as Hindus just so that he could get free pancakes.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.'

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

If my father was alive to hear that, he'd turn over in his grave.

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

My mother is a Muslim - she walks five steps behind my father. She doesn't have to. He just looks better from behind.

I got my dad a great father's Day present. He called to say: 'Ach. Zis present is so good I now think it vas almost vorth having children.

My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony.

Barry Kent's father looks like a big ape and has got more hair on the back of his hands than my father has got on his entire head.

I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.

Happy Father's Day -- or as they call it in my family, happy brother-in-law's day.

Being the father of girls is a kind of illness, in its own way - since any guy who has tried to live in a house with a wife and two daughters is, without any doubt, going to go certifiably nuts.

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

Father's snoring grows to sound increasingly like a vacuum cleaner in heat.

My father was always slightly bemused by my success. Although he knew that I had reasonable intelligence, he always thought that I was a little bit lazy.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

It's better to die laughing than to live each moment in fear.

My worst fear is that I'll end up living in some run-down duplex on Wilshire wearing pants hiked up to my nipples and muttering under my breath.

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool