Quotes About Humor

I went out to dinner with a Marine. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast then."

Elizabeth Truss and Nadine Dorris walked into a bar, the IQ of the bar was greatly diminished by this.

It's a funny old world.

Every man is a bachelor out of his wife's sight!

get back, get back! ill turn you into a piglet! ast a bula- no wait. that turns ME into a piglet!!

It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide.

Albert Campion: 'I'm serious!' Lugg: 'That's unhealthy in itself.

The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.

But Urdda stood firm. 'Where do you come from, sir?' 'I come' - the littlee-man stalked towards her in a way that might have been menacing, had he been full-sized - 'from Smelly-bumhole Land. You may call me Mister Odiferous. Up through the arse of the world I come here, and when I'm finished I will squeeze myself back out it.

We never respect those who amuse us, however we may smile at their comic powers.

She would hang a sign in the restaurant window--Owt to luntsch. Bee bak in a whale. For she could not spell either.

Okay, I'll wear the Bite Me shirt,[...]It'll be my standard response to any­one who tries to hit on me." I giggle. "Someone can come up and be like 'Hey babe, what's your sign?' and I'll just point to my shirt." Rayne laughs appreciatively and tosses me the tank top. "Of course they might think you're pointing to your boobs in a 'have at 'em, big boy' kind of way.

Holy fu-" he starts then catches himself."Yes,this tithe will be most pleasing to her Goodness." Me and Magnus exchange amused glances.

Hi, you've reached Caitlin! I'm either on the other line or I'm purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again... Leave a message and if I deem you worthy, or at least hot, I'll call you back. Mwah!

SPIDER: I guess you've got a point. RAYNIEDAY: No, I've got a stake, LOL.

For the record, I would have made a very lousy romance heroine.

I would have made a very crappy book heroine.

instead of the smoldering, soul-baring, Abelard-to-Heloise-sans-castration solicitations you rightfully deserve, you're getting stupefying lines like: "I'm listening to NPR. Do you want to come over and make out?

CASTLE RACKRENT Monday Morning.[A]

I never did get to brush my teeth this morning, I haven't been able to brush my hair, and I can't unzip my wet suit because I'm only wearing a bikini." Sam laughed. "That's what you get for boarding vessels scantily clad in the middle of the night." He grinned. "I don't suppose it was enough to prevent you from doing it again." "No." She grinned back at him. "I don't suppose it was.

Well, I must say, that's one fine butt you have, Rachel." "No doubt you are referring to my incredible head butt." Rachel yawned. "Damn, that looks so easy when they do it on TV." Sam laughed softly. "Well, it was a gutsy move on your part, Rachel, smacking him with your head like that." "I only hope he's in as much pain as I am right now.

Hey, did you hear about the lawyer who witnessed a car accident?" "Yeah, yeah. He handed out business cards and said, 'I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side,' Ã¢â'¬Â she replied. "I told you, I've heard them all.

Speaking of which Ã¢â'¬Â¦ how many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" "Please." She rolled her eyes. "Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. Old as the hills.

What doesn't kill us makes us funnier.