Quotes About Humor

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

My favorite animal is steak.

I'm on a seafood diet - I see food, I eat it.

You take romance - I'll take Jell-O.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

I tried being anorexic for four hours and then i was like, i need some bagels.

Said Aristotle unto Plato, 'Have another sweet potato?' Said Plato unto Aristotle, 'Thank you, I prefer the bottle.'

When you hang with a bunch of 300-pound linemen, you tend to find the places that are the greasiest and serve the most food.

Classic Recipe for Roast Beef: 1 large Roast of beef 1 small Roast of beef Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

Always remember: If you're alone in the kitchen and you drop the lamb, you can always just pick it up. Who's going to know?

If there's anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it's baloney and whipped cream --- and we haven't got any!

Everything I cook tastes better than yo' momma's nipples.

It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.

The cucumber and the tomato are both fruit; the avocado is a nut. To assist with the dietary requirements of vegetarians, on the first Tuesday of the month a chicken is officially a vegetable.

Whoever thought a tiny candy bar should be called fun size was a moron.

I believe that if ever I had to practice cannibalism, I might manage if there were enough tarragon around.

I have no truck with lettuce, cabbage, and similar chlorophyll. Any dietitian will tell you that a running foot of apple strudel contains four times the vitamins of a bushel of beans.

Very well, I will marry you if you promise not to make me eat eggplant.

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.