Quotes About Humor

It was my pork chop. But that's ok. I ate his dog food.

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you're hungry for power.

...the true spirit of gastronomic joylessness. Porridge fills the Englishman up, and prunes clear him out.

Who's your fat friend ?

Sometimes I've looked at a plate of food and wondered if it wouldn't look better as a hat.

I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.

Nothing spoils lunch any quicker than a rogue meatball rampaging through your spaghetti.

I always wanted to open a delicatessen in Jerusalem and call it 'Cheeses of Nazareth'.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

If I could be doing anything, I'd be laying on the floor in my birthday suit eating junk food and watching something dumb on TV.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

My favorite word is 'pumpkin.' You can't take it seriously. But you can't ignore it, either. It takes ahold of your head and that's it. You are a pumpkin. Or you are not. I am.

Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either.

England is merely an island of beef swimming in a warm gulf stream of gravy.

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

I Was so Drunk, I Thought a Tube of Toothpaste Was Astronaut Food.

PIG, n. An animal ("Porcus omnivorus") closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.

I have never regretted Paradise Lost since I discovered that it contained no eggs-and-bacon.

A great step toward independence is a good-humoured stomach.