Quotes About Humor

I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. I always feel planned.

What did the carrot say to the wheat? Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.

I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

When I was a kid, I read comics. But when I saw how funny it was, and how wonderfully absurd, I said, "You know, I gotta do this."

I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.

I'd rather not have a moment when I'm known for my looks; being funny and interesting lasts longer.

laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.

Like Richard Price and the late, great Elmore Leonard, Matt Burgess is one of those cool, quick and funny writers who can turn a seemingly routine crime caper into something special.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we'd be here every freakin' day.

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Most of my ideas just come out funny.

He is so shaggy. People are amazed when he gets up and they suddenly realize they have been talking to the wrong end.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.

It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher.