Quotes About Humor

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

Ronald Regan doesn't dye his hair - he's just prematurely orange.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have nonsense respected.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

I'm actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

The rewards for being sane may not be very many, but knowing what's funny is one of them.

What is the difference between astroturf and grass? I don't know, I never smoked astroturf.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

The hateful reviews are very funny. And sometimes you can enjoy a hateful review much more than a good review.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster.

Farts and poop are still funny and will always be funny.