Quotes About Humor

As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.

This is getting funny, but there ain't nobody laughing.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.

Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?

Humor is most powerful thing that uses laughter as it base to chase your blues away.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

When in doubt, make funny faces.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

I would rather be funny than gorgeous, absolutely. Because it's too hard to be gorgeous, you know. I could make a stab at gorgeous as long as I had something funny to say to get out of it.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn't matter. Everything I thought would work didn't work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

Stuart Rojstaczer writes with enormous wit, style and empathy, and The Mathematician's Shiva is a big-hearted, rollickingly funny novel that's impossible to put down. A tremendous debut.

I know you can be funny without being filthy.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

I'd like to wear my old [cinnamon buns] hairstyle again - but with white hair. I think that would be funny.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Anyone who is funny and doesn't take herself to seriously is attractive to me